I’ve held off writing this post for a while. Back in June we found out that we were expecting our third child. This was planned and we were definitely looking forward to a new baby. This time, unlike the others, things did not go well.
When we found out, we were very happy. We actually found out the Saturday before Father’s day, so when we saw our families we told everyone. At work, I told everyone. We thought, “we’ve been through this twice with no issues, why not?“.
A few weeks later, we found out “why not?” It turns out that this baby was not to be. In mid-July, we had a miscarriage. Overall, we were fairly pragmatic about it. This is a normal mechanism within the process to reduce problems later on. We went to the hospital to deal with the aftermath, and it was kind of a weird day. We were on the floor below the maternity floor at the hospital. It was a very different kind of experience from the last two times we were there.
The nursing staff was extremely supportive. We were more thankful for that, than the wonderful nurses that helped us when we had our two healthy children. They provided literature and different things to help through the grieving process. It was helpful.
Until this happened, I was unaware of how common it is. There are a huge percentage of women that have had a miscarriage.
One of the difficulties that I’ve had with this is that it was very early in the pregnancy. G definitely associated much more closely with the pregnancy than I had. For me it was really a mental exercise:
guess what, we’re having a baby, I have easily visible physical evidence of it, but I know that we are. I wonder what that will be like? Hmmm, we should think of names.
That kind of thing. When I found out that we weren’t going to have it, it was really just adjusting the thought process to not having a baby. It was too abstract at that point, at least for me. I feel bad that I don’t feel worse about it. I know that it affected G much more deeply, and it bothers me that I don’t feel that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sad about it, but not in the same way.
We have decided that we are going to try again. We’ve also decided that we aren’t going to tell anyone (outside of a very small, very necessary group). This was because the worst part for both of us was telling everyone that we had previously told that we weren’t having a baby now. That included Ripley. How do you explain to a three year old that she isn’t going to have a baby brother or sister, when you told her that she was?